ah after long some reading again :) was looking to read something on human behaviour after finishing off with exams ......and got hold of this book after looking around through book shelves in Central Library......The Language of Feelings... by David Viscott.....book became part of NUS Central Library book collection in 1985. Truly a worthwhile read. Written in a very simple and plain language without psychological jargon... prmilarily dealing with issues of feelings of hurt, loss, anxiety, anger, guilt and depression.....so more in tune with how to overcome negative feelings.......I definately gained some insight after reading the book ...though the book has been written much with american perspective in mind many of the concepts explained are universal.....next to read will be other book on same topic but written with asian perspective.....i.e by an asian author.
Some Notes I made while reading :).......
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In a real friendship both friends understand that they will occasionally hurt and be hurt. They can accept this not as a weakness but as a proof of their humanness. They don’t see hurt as an excuse for discounting an honest friendship.
Our hurt is a reaffirmation of our ability to form attachments, to become emotionally invested in the world and to find meaning in it.
What should one do when one have been hurt?
If someone hurts our feelings, or causes one pain, express our hurt to that person as directly and honestly as possible. The simplest way to say is to say,“ You hurt my feelings when you did this and so.”
Industrialization has often progressed at the expense of the individual. When one experience a feeling without hiding it, it passes most quickly and drains one the least.
One don’t have to be seething with rage to qualify as being angry. Indeed, most of the anger that people feel is not violent or difficult to control.
How much anger needs to be expressed to balance a hurt?
Our hurt is a reaffirmation of our ability to form attachments, to become emotionally invested in the world and to find meaning in it.
What should one do when one have been hurt?
If someone hurts our feelings, or causes one pain, express our hurt to that person as directly and honestly as possible. The simplest way to say is to say,“ You hurt my feelings when you did this and so.”
Industrialization has often progressed at the expense of the individual. When one experience a feeling without hiding it, it passes most quickly and drains one the least.
One don’t have to be seething with rage to qualify as being angry. Indeed, most of the anger that people feel is not violent or difficult to control.
How much anger needs to be expressed to balance a hurt?
It varies from person to person. Some can merely mention their hurt to the person who caused it and their anger is over and done with. Others have so much pent-up anger that they go into a rage at getting a wrong number.
Important points to remember:
1. When someone has hurt one tell them so directly and openly and also tell them exactly why.
2. Do this in Private
3. Don’t unnecessarily set them in defensive. It will only make them feel like retaliating rather than listening.
4. Be firm as one need to be to get our point across but try not to be punitive.
5. If one feels other person hurt one on purpose, say so.
Expressing anger properly is healthy and restoring. For some people feeling angry makes them feel badly about themselves, and so they keep their feelings bottled up. People fear getting angry for different reasons, depending, to some degree, on their background and past experiences.
Dependent people are afraid that being angry will prove they are unlovable.
Controlling people tend to equate showing anger with losing control.
Esteem seeking people often suppress their anger by hiding behind an act of some kind.
People are generally mixture to the 3 types in different proportions.
Becoming totally honest is the first step to becoming free. Expressing our feelings openly is the second.
The proper expression of hurt redirects negative feelings outside of ourselves and is vital to restoring our emotional balance.
Our moods colour our world and shape our reality.
Our feelings can tell one a great deal about the world and ourself, but they shouldn’t be considered evidence to prove our worth.If one feel something, one need to have courage to express it.
Getting angry and crying, is not being out of control but merely expressing intense feelings. Some people don’t think its “nice” to have such strong feelings. Such a notion of what’s nice is itself stifling. The very fear of losing control often can result from denying the urge to let out feelings.
To happy consequence of getting free of burdensome emotions is to become open. To be open one need to understand what one feel, know where the feeling comes from, and be able to express that feeling to whomever is appropriate. Feelings tell the truth. When one are open , needs still exist, but one can perceive them clearly because one is open to feelings that define and interpret them.
Feelings without honesty are defences
The world without honesty is an illusion
Memory without honesty is only a fantasy
Time without honesty can never be now
Space without honesty can never be here
Love without honesty is possessiveness
It’s bad to have a conversation with somebody who cant or wont let through what he/she feels about you. These unspoken feelings generally surface in some form at some other and less appropriate time anyway, causing great mischief, confusion and probably further defensiveness.
The road to each person’s highest self is paved by feelings honestly perceived and straightforwardly expressed.
A loss in the future is perceived as fear.
A loss in the present is perceived as pain.
A loss in the past is perceived as anger.
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Important points to remember:
1. When someone has hurt one tell them so directly and openly and also tell them exactly why.
2. Do this in Private
3. Don’t unnecessarily set them in defensive. It will only make them feel like retaliating rather than listening.
4. Be firm as one need to be to get our point across but try not to be punitive.
5. If one feels other person hurt one on purpose, say so.
Expressing anger properly is healthy and restoring. For some people feeling angry makes them feel badly about themselves, and so they keep their feelings bottled up. People fear getting angry for different reasons, depending, to some degree, on their background and past experiences.
Dependent people are afraid that being angry will prove they are unlovable.
Controlling people tend to equate showing anger with losing control.
Esteem seeking people often suppress their anger by hiding behind an act of some kind.
People are generally mixture to the 3 types in different proportions.
Becoming totally honest is the first step to becoming free. Expressing our feelings openly is the second.
The proper expression of hurt redirects negative feelings outside of ourselves and is vital to restoring our emotional balance.
Our moods colour our world and shape our reality.
Our feelings can tell one a great deal about the world and ourself, but they shouldn’t be considered evidence to prove our worth.If one feel something, one need to have courage to express it.
Getting angry and crying, is not being out of control but merely expressing intense feelings. Some people don’t think its “nice” to have such strong feelings. Such a notion of what’s nice is itself stifling. The very fear of losing control often can result from denying the urge to let out feelings.
To happy consequence of getting free of burdensome emotions is to become open. To be open one need to understand what one feel, know where the feeling comes from, and be able to express that feeling to whomever is appropriate. Feelings tell the truth. When one are open , needs still exist, but one can perceive them clearly because one is open to feelings that define and interpret them.
Feelings without honesty are defences
The world without honesty is an illusion
Memory without honesty is only a fantasy
Time without honesty can never be now
Space without honesty can never be here
Love without honesty is possessiveness
It’s bad to have a conversation with somebody who cant or wont let through what he/she feels about you. These unspoken feelings generally surface in some form at some other and less appropriate time anyway, causing great mischief, confusion and probably further defensiveness.
The road to each person’s highest self is paved by feelings honestly perceived and straightforwardly expressed.
A loss in the future is perceived as fear.
A loss in the present is perceived as pain.
A loss in the past is perceived as anger.
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One more review on this Link
2 comments:
hey first visit and really like dthis piece. ive always belonged to the kind who believes in saying what she feels and i agree its bloody frustrating when the other person maintains a stoic silence as a way of appropriateness. I'm sure most men need to learn a lot from this book LOL
Radhika
He he ...u got it wrong...its equally present in both sexes.... lot of women too need to learn :))..
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